If I knew where Kenneth Graham was buried I’d go there, dig him up and piss in his mouth for having written “There is nothing – absolutely nothing – half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.”
Every idiot in the world who has ever stepped foot into something that floats and has then gone on to write about it uses that quote. When I’m in charge of everything in the world anyone who even utters that quote will be sentenced to life at hard labor and if they actually put it into print they will be executed on the spot.
The second most despised quote is: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.” People who repeat it verbally will be whipped. Those who wear it on a tee shirt will be flayed in the public square and those who actually write it down for others to read will be sentenced to having head phones strapped to their ears and forced to listen to “Duke of Earl” for the rest of their lives.
Another thing that will change when I’m in charge concerns drivers who weave in and out of traffic and end up one car ahead of you at the stop light. You will be permitted to get out of your car and go up and slap the crap out of those people, breaking their windows if necessary to gain access for the slapping. There will be severe penalties and imprisonment if they try and retaliate. If, somewhere down the road, those people are involved in an accident in which they are injured you will be allowed to approach them and jab at their cuts and bruises with a sharp stick.
A lot of things will change when I’m in charge of everything, so pay attention and don’t screw around with people!